Perhaps I have a severe chemical imbalance or something. Perhaps it's just the nature of the game. Whatever it is, it's dragging me through hell.
I don't mean a literal hell, of course. My bedroom has not turned into a cavern filled with fire and brimstone... or a world of ice, for that matter. There aren't actually daemons running around dismembering people left, right and centre.
The daemons that do exist are mine, running around in my head, sabotaging what took a very long time to build.
This is going to get personal, so if you don't want to know stop reading now.
I was not exactly the most stable youth. My Mum once tried to send me to therapy. I resisted, of course. I was weird enough (no, I didn't catch flies and pulled off their wings and then laughed as they tried to fly or anything like that. I was just odd... not like the others). People threw rocks at me. I didn't want everyone at school knowing I was seeing a shrink on top of it.
I barely survived High School.
Since then, however, I've grown into a fairly decent, relatively well-adjusted human being. It's just, every so often, that unstable, self-loathing youth makes a return. With this last rejection I received, and the knowledge that I would have to shelve the one story I cared most about, that unstable, weepy girl made another appearance.
Publishing is not for the faint of heart. I wonder why I tried for this mess. The staggering number of rejections, almost all of them form letters (with the exception of one kind agent whose words I still have taped to my computer), the waiting, the hoping, the hopelessness, the ache, the dejection, the soul-crushing loneliness and desolation... it gets a little much sometimes.
The really weird thing is, I'm not being that dramatic. It really is a horrible, horrible game, this publishing business. You can ask any writer struggling to find their way in, struggling to get published. It's hard.
It's hard work. It's hard emotionally. It's just plain hard.
Sometimes, I cope with it very well. I have great friends whom I love very much. I am involved in a number of extra-curricular (as it were) activities that I enjoy. I love to laugh, and do so often.
Other times, I cry myself to sleep. I cry at lunch hour at work. I cry on my way home. Sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and never move again. I can't eat. I don't sleep....
I feel manic.
You can probably see it reflected in my posts, now that I think of it. Some are happy, some are really miserable and depressing. Today is a weepy day, I guess.
Trying to get published has put me on an emotional roller-coaster. From what I've read, it does that to a lot of people. Knowing this, and talking to others who are going through the same sort of wreckage makes me feel a little better - not that they're hurting, but that I'm not alone in this. That others feel as I do means I'm not so abnormal after all.
I've come close to giving up several times. Each time something has happened to make me rethink. Today, I read this. I cried like an idiot at work, but I felt better.
So, despite being tossed around like a rag doll by the publishing game, I'm going to continue to work for what I want most. Today, at least.
Now, because I've depressed the hell out of everyone, I need to share some happier news (at least it makes me happy), despite the length of the post.
If you've been following the blog since it's inception, you'll know I love music. You'll also know that I made a plea to Two Steps From Hell (an appropriate title, actually) to release some of their music to us plebs (since they previously only wrote for the movie industry). I don't think they read the post, but they did release an album. YAY!
Invincible was released May of this year. Of course I bought it. Their songs are spectacular and though some of my favourites are not on that particular album, I do have two songs from the album that I adore:
It's called Protectors of the Earth. It's just brilliant.
This next on, Heart of Courage made me think of Edward, a character I'm particularly fond of from The Great Man series.
I also really like Freedom Fighters from the same album, but you're going to have to look that one up yourself!
Right, I have so much work to do, it's not funny, so toodles for now. Have a fabulous Tuesday everyone!